Me, Myself, and The abuse

TW: This poem contains sensitive rape subjects and abuse. If you or someone you know is being abused please reach out using this number 1-800-799-SAFE. You are not alone. 

 

 

2019 was the year that I found myself but it was also the year I lost myself

I won the award for the most broken hearts in 6 months

It started with him coming back

Was it some sort of payback for hurting him back then?

I learned even old loves can hurt you deep

For you I will probably always still weep

You fed me lie after lie just to get me to your bed (or car for that matter)

Told me you could still love me and that you missed me

I gave in just to see

I learned from you that people change

Even when they age

Thank you for clearing the air my first love is gone

I can finally move on

Next was the the worst

I learned that Netflix and Chill

Meant I can touch you against your will

Should have known that’s what you wanted

I learned that rape is more common than you think

While I laid there my whole body was numb

As you grazed me with your tongue

My body was not my own anymore

I became so small I disappeared as my mind went blank

When I went home my heart sank

Consent is not a hard thing to understand

I should have said go get off with your hand

But when it happens you feel so damaged so scared

But it’s not like you cared

From you I learned to not stay quiet

To fight back when I’m being held down

That was the last time I will be shut down

Next was almost worse than the last

The moment I talked to you

I fell so damn fast

Was abusing me the plan from the start?

I learned emotional abuse is real and how easy is it is to be manipulated

Whenever you got mad I was frightened

You caught me with your words

Calling me princess and telling me I deserved so much better

You’re words hurt me deeply

I could no longer speak freely

You knew exactly what to say to get under my skin

Into my head

Told me I was lonely and you knew I was

Put the blame on me for things we both know I didn’t do

Withholding affection when you knew I needed it most

You would start a fight and leave me on read all night

Told me I needed time to think about the things I had done

Which was nothing but fun for you

I would ask to come see you

But you made every excuse

So I gave up whats the use

You cared so much at the start

Told me I was perfect

Destroyed me until I fell apart

You would tell me that I was so beautiful made me come out my cocoon as a radiant butterfly

But then you captured me and ripped off my wings. My wings I had just developed please stop hurting me it stings.

I got my wish you left me on read for 2 weeks

When you came back I was done

That was the bravest thing I ever did was run

The last wasn’t so bad got used for sex

At least you were kinder than my ex

Whenever I came over you were so high

I was completely fine I would tell you as a lie

Get undressed, Fuck me, Goodbye

How many times was I going to let this fly

You said you were getting help

But you never asked how I felt

You left me waiting on the other end

Then a month later you tell me I can be your friend

I’m fine as you just walk away and find another

Please find another girl to smother

After all that I have finally found myself

I have had enough of my past self

I hated myself for so long but now I’m free

Fuck all of you guys I’m finally ME.